THE LIFE VICARIOUS

How we survived pretending to camp in Sweden: The heroic soap maker.

Yesterday morning, Fox 5 found its way into our tent in the form of party girl Julie Chang who set up her two segments of Good Day New York yesterday around the suggestion we smell. And it was true. God was it true! We smelled foul in a way you can't achieve camping in nature. We smelled homeless. And Ikea, who didn't add water in the form of a foot-pump squirt-action system by the portapotties until Tuesday afternoon seemed okay with welcoming us in, in such a way. That we didn't smell even worse is a credit to one of our fellow campers, Kirk, who with his wife operates Thastolia, (which comes from the Elvish word for family,) a soap company based in Park Slope. Of all the campy camping coverage from all the media yesterday everyone either focused on the survivalist father and daughter team in slots one and two, and us in our makeshift meta-media tent.

Kirk, despite his wife and children coming around quite often for moral support, only got one couch of the experience. He gave more than he got. He gave out soaps on the down-low as no one was allowed to promote their businesses - it was almost as though Ikea didn't even want anyone speaking to one another about anything all except to the press - he kept us clean the last couple days. And when Ikea turned away any external forces, like Racked's clean tee shirts and some Kosher kettle corn, and did their best to curb Mister Softee trucks and Papa John's deliverymen, Kirk went into action. Papa John's seeing as some campers were already ordering pies, wanted to give out menus - a big no-no. So what did the big man do? He said he'd hand them out on the down-low in exchange for free pies. So while the Ikea yellowshirts and security forces revolved around a game of Pictionary, Papa John's came back with enough pies to sate the growing hunger of the front rope line which Kirk sleekly stored under a sleeping bag away from prying eyes until everyone won blankets and pillows and could again eat in comfort.

Why we pretended to camp in Sweden: One theory, two birthdays.

The last three years, since this blog began, June 16th and June 17th have been our last two girlfriends birthdays so we've just been acclimated of late to celebrate this week in some grand way and seeing as we have not one link in our lineage giving us an excuse to celebrate Juneteenth, we nonetheless wanted to get away for what we have for some time now associated with being a given, a private summer holiday suited for spooning in a Park Hyatt suite or praying not to plummet in a Hotel on Rivington elevator. Admittedly rolling around on the concrete in Brooklyn all night may seem masochistic in opposition, but God, it's also a great way to change things up making sure we're well aware that's not how things are going to go next summer.

Of course these two sofas would have made wonderful gifts. Regardless, we can't wait to lay upon one of ours with someone who didn't receive a $10 gift card today for sharing a birthday with the Red Hook Ikea.

Here, the havoc of whirlwind same-day delivery preventing us from going to sleep until the doorbell rang. Twice. Good news though, we'll never have to stand up again to make a drink. 

Having pretended we camped in Sweden: More good art.

Baking and waiting for Marty Markowitz to quiet down so we could go home, we held ourselves up this morning just a little longer. The pin, as previously mentioned elsewhere, was palmed to us by the man himself during the deluge of midnight snacks just ten hours earlier. His PR machine was as well-oiled as we look greased in these pictures.

Why we pretended to camp in Sweden: One theory, art theory.

We have to admit, more than anything we were nervous about the commenters over on Racked. And why wouldn't we be? After the Curbed Network sites and others linking to us over the last few months, and us using logic and facts to share stories, there's bound to be some opposition from people uncomfortable with reality.

So far the most popular method of takedown is this: calling us unemployed as apparently professional blogging is not a real profession. But let's just say, for the sake of argument, we got paid something, token expenses. Just as a way of defending the "does camping out and flipping a couch on Craigslist reap as much reward as, say, being employed by Ikea for three days?" argument.

Let's say, for the sake of argument, you got a $100 per diem for passing time in a tent with our local neighborhood muses Kate and Vanessa, all publicized and subsidized by another blog who gives you a DIY opportunity to advance your own ambitions through local and national media, you meet great people, have stories to tell, and actually, while working as anti-PR, become an advocate for the people in line around you who are there for, better or worse, their own reasons. What do you have at the end of three days? You have two free couches - which through free same-day delivery we're anticipating any minute - a minor coup of success, new contacts, new friends, and momentum toward whatever we'd like to accomplish next on our own or otherwise.

But if you're one of the commenters, you're probably more than a little illogical and only care about the money you're not making and you're projecting, your assets on their way to being frozen like they've just been poured into a Pacojet.

As for us? As we're an art lover first and a blogger second, what would one do with such a theoretical stipend?

How to pretend you're camping in Sweden: Packing-up and paying respects.

While all the news has been over on Racked the past few days we just wanted to express some gritty unwashed gratitude for the moral aid aimed at our survival. First to Michelle Sallah, chef de cuisine of Bar Marmont who designed for us a Swedish gastropob camp fare menu IKEA would in no way let us recreate in their parking lot. To Kate who last night found her way displaced from 161st Street to a Red Hook tent probably to guilt us into visiting her when she starts tutoring at 826NYC. Had she never left behind her copy of The New Yorker the crew from CW11 never would have found it snooping in our tent and deemed us camera-savvy. And to the chick from New York who made our day deeming us "Mr. and Mrs. Brooklyn" despite refusing to put the line's most photogenic couple on camera. See how we spread the love, come on! Finally thanks to all our new readers who we still hope to be here tomorrow to follow us through the next stupid thing we do; we promise it's coming soon!

How to pretend you're camping in Sweden: Live coverage!

We almost forgot to tell you, if you are going to pretend you're camping in Sweden through Wednesday, you should bring a game to entertain yourself. We thought long and hard over what would be the most appropriate amusement for the occasion and we finally settled on chess. And sure enough, just as we started unpacking this morning, we learned Ikea flew in from Sweden a chess expert for the occasion to keep things interesting. And you probably thought a big box store coming to Red Hook was a sign of the Apocalypse!

Us, up against a wall.

Last night we attended the last night of the House of Campari at the umm, House of Campari house on Crosby Street as Vanessa's friend played with Robbers on High Street and we wanted to check them out. After any number of drinks, actually any high number of drinks - let's start counting at four - Kate made her first contribution to this site with the photo of us to the left. This seems to best have captured our mood upon learning in no uncertain terms a photo of us was required, (and suddenly we've gone from being an aspiring Frank Bruni to an aspiring RestaurantGirl. Damn.) Anyway, this seems to best capture the intoxication, exhaustion and stress of our day as well as Kate's who took 180 pictures before this one. No, really.

The tee shirt is from Polo Ralph Lauren and as we best remember was a Christmas gift from an out of touch aunt and uncle. The jeans are Levis x Fenom from ConceptShop HK. Haircut from Paul Mole, arms courtesy Nintendo Wii, sleepy bitter look courtesy of Campari.

How to pretend you're camping in Sweden: Countdown.

And welcome to a special weekend edition of How to Pretend You're Camping in Sweden!

In just sixty hours we'll be doing the dumbest thing we've done in approximately one year. (Maybe we'll even get a tattoo to commemorate it like the last one.) Yes, we're going to be a special envoy of retail snark memorializing the Ikea Red Hook opening from the moment we step out of a Town Car to pitch our tent until the last Poang chair is handed out and we've boarded ferry after ferry across the East and Hudson Rivers. Will the Lingonberries taste so much sweeter after three days of sweating it out? Will protesters splash us with blue and yellow paint? Are we giving them ideas? Will campers shower in the rain Monday night? Will we be detained for random acts of tented debauchery? All aspects of the consumer delirium will be documented by us... elsewhere... while the more personal details will be found right here, hoping not to be forgotten about like a bag of frozen Swedish meatballs in the back of your freezer that seemed like a good idea at the time.

So how are we spending our last days of freedom?

Friday.     Tonight we're seeing The Happening so we know how to handle an invisible natural disaster that prompts gruesome suicides in an eerily quiet wide-open space. We're thinking there's something to be learned there and if so, we can expense it.

Saturday.     Vampire Weekend and Kid Sister at Central Park Summerstage. It's like that concert back at Brown six weeks ago except all those people from Brown are back here now. Maybe an invisible natural disaster that prompts gruesome suicides will somehow affect only them to make for an eerily pleasant wide-open space to enjoy this show. 4pm.

Sunday.     Our final brunch. So we're told there's only coffee and danish to survive, we'll be posting recipes, making and packing some Swedish-inspired gastropub picnic fare from a Spotted Pig alum, LA chef who will be doing her best to cater our occasion.

How to pretend you're camping in Sweden: Keeping it clean.

What to wear to an event that brings together Brooklyn and Sweden but something loose and cool and comfortable but still shows after three days of sweat that we clean up nice as an ambassador of retail blog chic? We're suggesting a little Stockholm, a little South Brooklyn and maybe some hand sanitizer. With that in mind, we're going with Caliroots jeans to at least protect our sneakers from the bleed of denim if not the elements (and our own blood) and a tee shirt from The Brooklyn Circus because, well, that's exactly what the Ikea opening is going to be. And when you wake up two days later after three days of camping, you're dressed and ready for the latter brand's White Shirt Blue Jeans party next Friday. Of course then you'll be spotted as the guy who's contributing to the downfall of Brooklyn. But in such style!

Defend BKC tee shirt, $38 from The Brooklyn Circus. Cali Leather Lux jeans, $214 from Caliroots.

How to pretend you're camping in Sweden: Pre-gaming.

Are you still not in the mindset you're about to camp out in an Ikea parking lot in Red Hook and pretend you're in Vastra Gotaland? Or do you need to stretch your legs before you're stuck in a tent? Surround yourself with Swedish tourists? Or immerse yourself in Swedish sounds? Then this weekend, wow, you're in luck!

Per BrooklynVegan, tomorrow night as part of the NYC PopFest two Swedish bands are playing Cake Shop: Love Is All and Oh, Custer. Friday, Friday Bridge is playing a PopFest edition of Mondo at Don Hill's. And on Sunday, June 15th, Swedish duo Wildbirds & Peacedrums are playing two shows, in front of the Brooklyn Flea at 1pm and later that night at Joe's Pub. Alas, despite their eleven NYC shows they're not doing one single show in the Ikea parking lot. We don't know who the Ikea parking lot's booker is, but that's a huge misstep!

And despite the frightening statistic that our website is now one of the first results on Google for Swedish condoms, we still don't have any! But maybe someone at one of these shows might. Otherwise, per a reader, we've learned you can order some here. They come in packs of three for $4.99 each and if like us you only seem to have sex with vegetarians, fear not, they're all vegan safe!